They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
