I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
True college students do jello shots in the library
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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