the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
