Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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