Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize