I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
