Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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