Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
