well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
