just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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