i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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