the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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