sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
