I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
