Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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