i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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