So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
