nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
