my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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