I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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