FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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