Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
