I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
