ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
