Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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