After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
