I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
