This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
