90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
