So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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