I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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