Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
