Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize