I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I need water and some morals
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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