What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
