I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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