Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
