i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
