If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
