dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
