I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
