clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
