that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
