lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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