I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
if only i could text you this smell
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
there is another microwave in the elevator.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
