This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
