its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
