I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He shit in the fireplace
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
