I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize