I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
