dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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