Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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