I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
