eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
