My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
