K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
